limping epilogue- no big conclusions or answers
Two weeks ao i arrived to porto rico, back to the reality of those simple but powerful words of 'home' 'family' and 'friends'. Its not that i'm havin trouble with any of them, overall they are as good as ever, or even better, maybe because now i'm better. But they are questionable because i did make happen 'home' 'family' and 'friends' on the ship and its weird how this core words and worlds are not exclusive, the way in which la habana or burma can be home, and porto rico will still hold through to the word at the same time.
i miss my friends, but overall i miss the environment, for i know that if i make some effort i can retain some of them but not the atmosphere and there was somethin special about living in that kind of environment: the exiting prospect of discovery in everystep with the relief that we are all together in this (even that annoying whiney girl to whom i would have never spoken in any other situation is also in a similar place to me and i can't hate her.
Now i'm back home and the old rules are on again, because i went around the world but the world also passed by me, it never stopped to be passively looked at, it stared right back, but for good or worse i was the one that changed the most... or so i feel. i can't concretise how, or much less why, maybe its all perfomative and i just say that (and thus am) changed, but its real enough and the fact that i cant explain it makes it weirder.
also i just do not want to go back to normal, to 'home' to those life and personality institutions ( family, friends, overall social networks) that held me together, even if i owe them some (more like a lot) of my succes. Because i feel that i sould somehow outgrown some of the old things i did. I mean, i did outgrown them on the ship, but now is like i have to do it all over again, because it really doesn't count if they didn't see it, if porto rico didn't get that its not so weird to buy a foreigner a drink just because he is visiting and why not. So many locals gave me so much that i feel endowed to give something back, but im not sure how.
i'm being vague, i know. its irritating. i also know that, believe me. i'm working on it. but just to at least have somthing concrete on what i want to do as a result of the trip here go a couple f goals/plans whatever for the next couple of months.
1-i want to publish a book, i want to work on my writting and i want to be serious about it. I will. That's the macro goal, it will realize/be worked through publishing a collection based on what i wrote on the blog. Then i'll consider book fairs and other ways of self advertisement, because i dont want it to be just lying somewhere in my house. I want to fit for it, if by the end i still have tons home, well, i never intended to live of it, but i want to give it a chance and expose my work and with it myself.
-----as part of this i must state - the cambodia piece will go out complete - read also it got severel mutilated by selfcensure and its missing about a page and a half on the grimmer aspects of my fathers story and cancer, of course.
2-i wont go to plaza las americas for the next four months - i dont expect anybody to get it but its not some "i'm a rebel, ARG!!" its more of a personal thing, like a religious promess, you give something in exchange of a favour or as thanks, in my case is a thanks and i send my respects thing. also a living memento of my trip and my nearly four mall-less months. yes, it is possible.
3-i will strive to choreograph 1 dance piece or a considerable part of it (not a whole show) and present it.
4- take whatever show we end up doing in modern dance to adance festival
5 - get a paid intership this summer - it must be really challenging
6 - stay in touch with SASERS
7 - read more in spanish
8 - publish some articles wherever for whatever - very posh and dignified right?
9 - basicly: create, not produce, and show, dont tell (unless it is for others to decide if to see what you show)
i miss my friends, but overall i miss the environment, for i know that if i make some effort i can retain some of them but not the atmosphere and there was somethin special about living in that kind of environment: the exiting prospect of discovery in everystep with the relief that we are all together in this (even that annoying whiney girl to whom i would have never spoken in any other situation is also in a similar place to me and i can't hate her.
Now i'm back home and the old rules are on again, because i went around the world but the world also passed by me, it never stopped to be passively looked at, it stared right back, but for good or worse i was the one that changed the most... or so i feel. i can't concretise how, or much less why, maybe its all perfomative and i just say that (and thus am) changed, but its real enough and the fact that i cant explain it makes it weirder.
also i just do not want to go back to normal, to 'home' to those life and personality institutions ( family, friends, overall social networks) that held me together, even if i owe them some (more like a lot) of my succes. Because i feel that i sould somehow outgrown some of the old things i did. I mean, i did outgrown them on the ship, but now is like i have to do it all over again, because it really doesn't count if they didn't see it, if porto rico didn't get that its not so weird to buy a foreigner a drink just because he is visiting and why not. So many locals gave me so much that i feel endowed to give something back, but im not sure how.
i'm being vague, i know. its irritating. i also know that, believe me. i'm working on it. but just to at least have somthing concrete on what i want to do as a result of the trip here go a couple f goals/plans whatever for the next couple of months.
1-i want to publish a book, i want to work on my writting and i want to be serious about it. I will. That's the macro goal, it will realize/be worked through publishing a collection based on what i wrote on the blog. Then i'll consider book fairs and other ways of self advertisement, because i dont want it to be just lying somewhere in my house. I want to fit for it, if by the end i still have tons home, well, i never intended to live of it, but i want to give it a chance and expose my work and with it myself.
-----as part of this i must state - the cambodia piece will go out complete - read also it got severel mutilated by selfcensure and its missing about a page and a half on the grimmer aspects of my fathers story and cancer, of course.
2-i wont go to plaza las americas for the next four months - i dont expect anybody to get it but its not some "i'm a rebel, ARG!!" its more of a personal thing, like a religious promess, you give something in exchange of a favour or as thanks, in my case is a thanks and i send my respects thing. also a living memento of my trip and my nearly four mall-less months. yes, it is possible.
3-i will strive to choreograph 1 dance piece or a considerable part of it (not a whole show) and present it.
4- take whatever show we end up doing in modern dance to adance festival
5 - get a paid intership this summer - it must be really challenging
6 - stay in touch with SASERS
7 - read more in spanish
8 - publish some articles wherever for whatever - very posh and dignified right?
9 - basicly: create, not produce, and show, dont tell (unless it is for others to decide if to see what you show)
posted by Diana | 3:14 AM
2 Comments:
Hola Diana. Felcidades.
Me gustó tu lista de metas. Especialmente lo que dices sobre crear, no producir.
Le dije a Quique y al corillo de Tendencias que cuando llegaras te tendríamos que conocer de nuevo. Ya veo que has llegado a Puerto Rico y te das cuenta de que seguimos en las mismas boberías y cada día más histéricos.
Vamos a salir algún día, que me encantaría hablar con alguien que le ha dado literalmente la vuelta al mundo.
Abrazos!
Querida, compartimos el sentimiento del final del viaje, de regresar a algo que se ha quedado igual y de encontrarse distinto...ademas lo de las listas y proposiciones me suena tambien super familiar....ummm, como que lo he hecho varias veces. Asi que nada, si hay algo en lo que pueda ayudar a que se cumplan esas metas, por favor me avisas...yo por ahora te puedo decir que en cafepress.com pueden imprimirte tu libro (solo les envias el texto e imagenes) y vendertelo por internet y que en Claridad puedes escribir cuando quieras, seria un honor que nos pasases un articulo de vez en cuando...
bueno, y cuando te veo?!?!
besos, S
Post a Comment
<< Home